Reiki Guides and Other Asides…

Welcome to the latest Reiki Blog Hop
Joy RBH logo
THEME: GUIDED BY REIKI?
Jay Cassels set the theme for this hop, he offered the following prompt:
How do you approach/answer or discuss the topic of Reiki Guides, is it something that you’ve encountered, do you believe that as masters or as students that we are guided when it comes to Reiki?
 When I decided to start teaching Reiki, I made a decision right from the off that I would only teach one to one… that I wouldn’t overtly advertise and that the people who I’m supposed to work with will find their way to me and that has been a decision that I have stuck by and have no plans to change in the foreseeable future…
Upon reflection, I think one of the main reasons for this choice was the subject of guides… the other main reason is that I like to have time to fully gauge someone’s level of understanding and background experiences… When I’ve been on the student ends of things, I’ve had too many experiences that I don’t want to inflict on other people… so when the subject of guides comes up with my students, they’re not overly surprised when I start to list all the things I don’t like about  the subject… things like when the dynamic of a room full of people takes a weird turn as some odd version of top trumps breaks out… someone proudly announcing that their guide is present gets interrupted by someone else saying that 2 of their guides are there… ah well… only 6 of mine came today, 3 of them brought gifts from Atlantis… I may or may not be embroidering a few poetic licenses here for the sake of storytelling… likewise I may or may not be embellishing the truth when I tell you that someone once stood in front of me and in all deadly seriousness told me that their Reiki guides were Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, and Michael Jackson…  Wow! That sounds incredible, but it’s not that impressive really when you realise, no… not that MJ… this MJ  is a deceased pet cat…
I mock slightly, but you know what – good for you! If that’s what you believe and you can use that to make the world a better place without causing harm to others, then you go knock yourself out… call your guides what you like.
The issue I have is with the one-upping… or the attitude of “I art more spiritual than thou” doubly so, if the best use you can put your guide to is saving you a parking space outside the supermarket door… I was brought up forced to eat meals and leave no waste because there were starving children in Africa…
Another issue I have is with sheer stupidity and taking leave of common sense… thankfully not from personal experience but witnessed first hand… let’s just say. if you ever start seeing golden flashes repeatedly in one eye, then get to the optician and confirm it’s not a detached retina rather than listen to your medically unqualified Master who advises you show gratitude for the clear signals your guide is sending…
So basically, I guess my approach is to roast the idea… because in finding humour, then it’s easier to drift into exchanging ideas openly, recognising that all beliefs have an inherent level of ideas that others would find crazy…  At the end of the day. it comes down to personal choice and personally, I tend to be falling on the side of thinking that your guides should be kept private… I’m not entirely sure why people need to talk about their guides with other people… I’m not entirely sure why saying you work with a guide would qualify your work as being any better than someone’s work who says they work do not work with a guide…
I was in a workshop recently and I wish I could tell you what it was about but unfortunately, the exercise was so confusingly explained that I have no idea other than it was something about connecting to guides… I queried the teacher, who reacted in a rather interesting way by saying that they didn’t know what I asking and that no-one was forcing me to stay in the room, so if I didn’t want to do the exercise then feel free to go… I told them that I wanted to do the exercise but that I was not clear on the aims or objectives or when/how this practice would be useful…  They shouted –
DO YOUR OWN THING!
Then marched off… There was a hushed silence that fell upon the room and all eyes were on me… A smile spread across my face… Ah! Yeah… fine, I’m an old hand at doing my own thing, now I get it! I picked up my pencil and doodled away… so… I know no more about guides than when I walked in here but hey ho that was an excellent demo on how not to teach… I thought long and hard about this odd reaction and I’m inclined to think that this person did understand my question but didn’t have an answer to it…
My belief is that when students ask questions, is it because they want to broaden their understanding… it’s not always about getting definite answers but about exploring ideas… and as a teacher, it’s ok to simply say – I don’t have an answer to that…
As a teacher, I don’t want you to slavishly follow my word… I want you to think and experience things for yourself… When I’m asked if I work with guides, well my answer is that for the sake of convenience I say that I do not work with guides…. but yeah… I have guides and I have no real interest in knowing their names… my intention that I set with guides is akin to the intention I set with people and all experiences in life… that the right things turn up, at the right time, in the way that it will be most useful to learn from them… When I try to nail down the details of guides, it only opens more questions… maybe they exist… or maybe they are the ramblings and outpourings of a bicameral mind attributing the inner workings of the brain to an external existence and connection to a sense of divinity…
Or briefly put and in a non-shouty and loving way…
Do your own thing…
Go study, explore, experiment… don’t stay in the echo chamber of ‘like-minded’ people… take your lessons where you find them… There is no great gain in devoting your time to trying to find guides if you blind yourself to the abundance of guidance that comes from day to day living… and if you are still seeking guidance then you could do far worse than return to the basics…

Be kind to others…
Click on a link to visit my neighbours…
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Rolling With The Hunches…

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Wishing on a Star

Welcome to the latest Tarot Blog Hop hosted by Ania M

Happy Happy Joy Joy! and all that festive stuff! 🙂 

The prompt given was:
Which card(s) best represent or celebrate your past year and which best represent your wishes for the year ahead. You can either select the cards you think fit best, or draw them randomly and see what the Tarot thinks.
The past year has been somewhat of a blur… paradoxically I find myself too quickly in mid-December yet January feels to be many lifetimes ago and so to rest my weary brain and to save myself the effort of trawling through the scribbles in my diary to tease out the edited highlights, I’ll delegate the choice of card to potluck and see what the Tarot thinks I should be celebrating…

 

The Fool ~ Tarot of the Sidhe by Emily Carding

THE FOOL
Ok… so that could be any of very many things. This year has seen me leap into various situations that have challenged my delicate Virgo bowels… though fortunately not to the point where I have literally crapped myself… ok ok yup TMI!
Let me try and regain a little dignity and share with you a recent experience. So… in the last week of November, I found myself on a 5-day residential course with 25 strangers all with the common goal of exploring Spirit through art.
Now there seems to be a popular misconception that I’m a gregarious person… the truth is hmmm… well it’s not that I dislike company it’s maybe more that I don’t enjoy all the social expectations that go along with being in company… you know, things like having to string together a coherent sentence at 8am… or feeling obliged to put your bra on… or rather resisting the urge to whip if off via the armhole of your shirt half way through the day because the damned thing is literally getting on your tits… so… I had spent the two weeks before going, wondering why on earth I would put myself through this communal living that had timetables and lights out at midnight, and days punctuated by cups of tea served at set hours… but it occurred to me that maybe it would be interesting to be somewhere where nobody knows you…
I guess at the time of booking my thoughts were around how my artwork would develop in an immersive environment, removed from the outside world and everyday distractions. As it happened the art kind of went backward to mostly primitive scribbles as the new way of working to pick out messages took a strange hold… (or as my autocorrect tries to insist… a stranglehold…)
When I work with Tarot, it’s fast and fluent and the symbols and metaphors that flood my head are filled with in-jokes and flashbacks of past readings that whizz through my mental roller deck of references to pull the right phrase for each card… Information feels to stream in from various angles around the right-hand side of my head… Faced with exercises that called for a mediumistic approach, the sensations around my head were not so much new but something I’d not really noticed before… the left-hand side of my head stirred to life… a strange outward probing, slowly sweeping and groping into a violet haze… like trying to feel the way through fog… to find the way home blindly on a route well travelled but with now no visible path… a slow, heart thumping test of faith between the inhale and the exhale… trusting that words would come… Images would come in abstract forms and words were strewn and scattered to be gathered and finally linked…
Mid-week, I sit with blank page and pastels and wait and wait until my hand feels the urge to pull colours and make shapes… I watch the lines appear and they take a life of their own but what does it mean? My patience is tested… I resist the urge to scrap the image and start again… and I ask myself – who is this for? I cast my eye around the far end of the room and let my gaze rest upon each person… no…no…no… I feel defeated so I sit and pause and turn to the other end of the room… I see a silver flash of light above a man’s head… the same kind of flash I’ve seen when choosing a crystal to work with so I take the plunge and go introduce myself and say that I think the drawing is for him… I relay the abstract thoughts that I had whilst drawing and he agrees that it does indeed feel to be for him… we talk at length but I won’t divulge that part of the conversation.
I go to leave and he says… hey, just on the off chance, maybe the one I drew is for you, do you want to take a look?
I look and hold back a silent gasp. I see something instantly that is deeply personal and relevant to me but I say nothing and wait to see what he says… he looks a little hesitant then says… well… I’m not sure how to explain this really but it’s a like I’m in space… I’m up there amongst the stars and there’s this big bunch of planets all together… there’s energy flying everywhere and they all talk to one another… but then over here on the opposite side, towards the bottom… there’s Saturn… like some kind of anchor…  and up here… look there’s some kind of symbol that looks like it crowns everything…what do you make of that?
I look to where he points and I see the glyph for Jupiter…
I feel the smile spreading across my face…and I tell him that he’s drawn my chart, which confuses him as he knows nothing of Astrology… I talk him through briefly about my Sagittarius ascendant… my cluster of planets that sit astride the cusp of the 9th and 10th house and how my Saturn lurks all alone across yonder in my 4th house… I ask about all the blue on the right-hand side and he tells me… oh… that was another story… it’s like there is a portal that you travel through, across a stream to open fields to speak to beings on another plane…
He goes on to describe a project that I’ve spent considerable time on but which has been put into stasis for over a year now…
Now all of that is something that I’m still assimilating and digesting… The reason for celebration is the profound sense of peace that came with this…
A few years ago, I paid an Astrologer friend to hand draw my chart… let’s not go into details other than to say that I never got my chart, I lost my money and what used to be a beautiful friendship got fucked beyond repair… Always in the back of my mind was a dim hope that one day this person would do the right thing and one day in the post my chart would arrive… this dim thought was kept alive by numerous card pulls both by myself and others that insisted repeatedly that my chart would indeed arrive…
The stranger who by now had become a new friend gifted me the piece of art and finally that dark whine in some dusty but not quite forgotten corner of my mind… it suddenly and finally fell silent… The cessation of that gnawing pain and sadness for a lost friend laid to rest and THAT is a good a cause for celebration as any…
My card moving forwards… another random pull…
tbh chariot

The Chariot ~ Tarot of the Sidhe by Emily Carding

THE CHARIOT
My wish for next year… to get both sides of my brain working together and bringing all these new ways of working into line and up to speed with my tried and tested workhorse…
I’m not entirely sure where it will go yet but with the Fool as my back seat driver, I’m sure my Chariot will travel to exactly where it needs to take me… Though I’m just having a wry chuckle and seeing the Fool jumped off and the workhorse grew wings… Plus I’m fairly certain that equestrian lady just flung her bra off…
If you’d like to take the flight to another blog then jump on one of the links…

A Golden Tarot Moment…

I think I was lucky enough that at a fairly early age, I recognised and embraced that I’d go through most of my life feeling like some kind of fraud… It’s that kind of lurking inner voice that hides in corners of the mind ready to shout boo! at any given moment… BOO!!! What are you doing here?!! You don’t belong here!! Mostly these days, I can tell it to STFU and it crawls back into its box… sometimes it’s a little harder to force the lid to stay down… A couple of weeks ago, I found myself on what felt like a very long car ride with an imaginary backseat driver quizzing me on my sanity…

Ok, ok… I guess I’m my own worst enemy and on this particular day, I had thrown myself out of my comfort zone a little further than intended… I do regularly challenge myself as there’s something about a surge of adrenalin that sharpens your focus and with the bulk of my work being event reading, you’re expected to bring a bit of a buzz… So… I’m on my way to the Ashmolean Museum and the brief I got was to dress suitably for a 17th Century theme. As it happens, I never got around to researching costumes and figured that my trusty pirate costume from eBay seems to with a few tweaks to chameleon itself in to most situations and besides if there were 17th Century re-enactments going on then as Mr S jokingly pointed out to me, there may be a good chance that I’d be burnt at the stake anyway by Puritans…

But by far my biggest stress, was that I’d decided that my usual gigging deck that I know inside out, back to front and upside down and which is now so battered that I can read more than few cards just from the dints on the backs… yeah… my go to trusty deck was going to be far too modern for this gig and I really should invest in something with a bit of history and so I plumped for The Golden Tarot – The Visconti-Sforza deck by Mary Pickard. Now I have read many times with pip decks but always at a leisurely pace and never at fast-paced, whizz ’em through frenzy and I’m driving along and berating myself that I’ve not had time to even skim through this deck yet and it’s been sat at the top of my to read pile for over a fortnight and I’m having a mini-meltdown along the lines of – what on earth possessed you?! And I was fully expecting to glitch on the pips and have my usual fluency fail but no, as it happens, it didn’t quite go that way…

Ok, so I didn’t get burnt at the stake but I did get some woman dressed as a respectable Puritan, trussed and stuffed in bodice and bonnet and layers and starchy cuffs, call me a slapper… But I digress… Ah… no the pips were fine, they glided and flew and unfurled sweet tales… It was the bloody courts that blew me… All those family portraits of androgenous strawberry blondes… I looked at the queue that snaked around me, filled with people from all four corners of the world, a bouquet of faces of all ages and backgrounds and I looked at these cards and thought – Jeez! You bloody rich, privileged, white folk all look the same…

 

 

They popped out far too many times for my liking as I had to double take each one and silently ask myself – who are you? Who am I looking at? And they would quickly step forward and tell me their name and then it happened… That awful moment when you realise that you are thinking out loud in front of a big crowd of people eavesdropping your every word… Hmmm… who are you? Are you the page? Are you the King? King? Page? Page? King? either, both or neither? I looked over at my Querent… Who are you? What’s your status? Or you a page or a King? A novice or an expert?

She gave me an exasperated look and she took a deep breath and birthed words that revealed her identity to me… I don’t know?! I mean, I know technically, I’m an expert but I always feel like I know nothing…

A-ha! A fellow sufferer of impostor syndrome…

I laughed a little inside and also quite loudly outside as I felt the card’s punchline land…

These cards read better than I ever imagined they would and I felt a deep feeling of contentment spread through me as I thought about how wonderfully relevant they still were in today’s world… 15th Century images celebrating a 17th Century gathering filled with 21st Century people. It felt like a convergent point of many lines across time and space… I’ve often said that tarot works because faces change but the stories stay the same. The Golden Tarot kind of flipped that for me as the faces stay the same and the stories change…

But my really sweet spot was that somewhere in me a big gush of falling in love occurred… I felt as though finally, I groked the beauty of a pip deck… All night, people asked to take photos of their readings and at one point someone asked me – what magic is this? How can you tell me all of that from just looking that those pictures, they just look like playing cards??

At that moment, I simply replied – that’s my job, it’s what I do… driving home and thinking more on it… ah yes… I know what that magic is… I see where this deck has the edge over my modern deck… With my modern deck… I narrate the story I see and the images are pretty blatant and anybody with one good eye can see what I see… With this pip deck… I narrate the story that they can’t see… the one that I see in my head…

Or maybe, just maybe, there’s no magic at all… Maybe it’s just that people never tire of a good yarn… especially when they get cast into the leading role… 🙂

My Spirit Guide is Out to Lunch…

Ok… so it goes with the territory that as a Tarot reader, you’re going to get asked a lot of questions… from the sublime to the ridiculous… surreal, irreverent, intrusive, curious… the whole gamut from α to Ω…

One that comes around on a fairly frequent basis is the inquiry into what my husband and kids think about what I do… and to be honest, the kids are mostly indifferent as they’ve all been raised in environments where cards are strewn willy-nilly and perched Jenga like in stacks on desks… I guess it’s kind of like asking the fish how he feels about being in the water… I guess the fish is more probable to ponder why you aren’t in the water…

Mr. S views my tarot in much the same way I view his musical ability… I learned to read music at the age of 6 and I’ve mostly lapsed these days but proficient with a bit of a focused practice on a few instruments… I never lay claim to being a musician as I don’t feel it in my blood in the same way that Mr. S dreams in soundscapes but I can follow enough theory and have a decent enough ear to be trusted to give feedback on compositions…

Mr. S supports my work in his own little ways that he knows will amuse me, such as leaving little gifts like this on my desk…

On many days, this provides me with much-needed comic relief… days such as today when I’m asked what opinions my spirit guide has about somebody else’s future…

And I think really? Really you want to talk to my spirit guide? What’s wrong with your spirit guide? Why aren’t you asking them?

So… I give my S.G. a whistle and it goes something like this…

Me: Spirit Guide? What do make of this?

S.G.: What are you asking me for? Do your own work…

Me: Yeah… but…

S.G.: Yeah but what? Hey… is there any chance of you putting a bra on today before you leave the house?

Me: See… this is why I don’t talk to you… A useful spirit guide would go put the kettle on…

S.G.: A useful spirit guide would tell you to get off of your lazy ass and go do it yourself…

And so it continues back and forth until Mr. S walks in and says – Look you’re a bloody tarot reader, just read your cards and write what you see…

I wonder why these requests for consultations with spirit guides niggle me so much… and I guess it’s that I don’t like the way that people lose the grip on their own power…

My mind turns to an email that I received from a long-term regular…

What I am aware of is that for the most part I only ask for readings when I already know the answer. Sometimes I am genuinely stuck but usually I’m seeking reassurance. The fact that I’ve been considering asking you for a reading for 2 days is a sure sign I know what to do. Isn’t it? You are more than 50% (75%?) the reader people turn to when they already know the answer aren’t you? You just have a way of giving people the confidence to be brave and do what their gizzards tell them.

I think mostly my readings consist of telling people one way or another that it’s time to piss or get off of the pot…

I think that maybe that’s the only advice I ever get from my spirit guide… If you want something else then go ask your own… 😉

 

 

Tarot… Dealing With Right Tools…

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Respect The Tarot

Welcome to the latest Tarot Blog Hop wrangled by Morgan Drake Eckstein…

When it comes to respecting the Tarot, I must admit to generally erring into healthy disrespect with a side order of irreverence and for the sake of my sanity, I’m going swerve expanding any further on that as over the years I’ve had my fill of humourless nut jobs trying to set me straight…  When it comes to punters then trust me… I’ve met more than my fair share of loons… likewise decks with strange aversions to mixing with Joe Average… and the whole lot I mentally file under the following…

When it comes to actual ritual then I’ve never been hard and fast with that as I’ve often read on the hoof and I read in all manner of places so I figure it’s not a good idea to get too precious about my actual workspace… I can pull a good Diva impression when feeling impish and spriteful but on the whole being flexible gets the next booking… So… I didn’t really think I had a ritual but the ever observant Mr S pulled me up on that one… I was hand on door latch leaving for a gig when he called out to me…

Stop! You haven’t done your thing!

What thing? I asked…

That thing you always do before a gig… you know… where you walk around the room mumbling and grumbling about you’re not in the mood and then you chunter on about how this is going to be the day you finally get busted and that people will work out that you’re not a tarot reader at all… you’re just some woman who makes up stories…

OH! Yeah!! That ritual! YUP! I’m so going to get busted today!! My cover will be blown!!

So… I think on it a bit further and I guess I do have a few of my own rituals/quirks/gig survival tactics…

OK… so first off as already covered is the bumble bee waggle dance and jig of despair… which I guess is mostly about shaking my self out of my extreme introvert mode to ramping myself up to being on demand witty and charming and looking like an effortless extrovert…

Then there’s the important part… singing in the car… again, this gets me out of my rut and into my groove but also, more importantly, it warms up my voice… My voice is my money maker… I can wing it without cards… If needed I can chuck out some palmistry or even get folks to empty their pockets or handbags to do a reading…but if I lose my voice then I’m pretty much screwed… The main question I get asked is  – How the F*** do you manage to speak for so long?

The secret… vocal warm ups… plenty of water and always a sneaky stash of Vocal Zone lozenges in my bag just in case things feel a bit off…

Then of course… I wouldn’t be seen dead without my nails being done… That’s partly due to 12 years of nail inspection as a Croupier… There is ZERO tolerance on dirty nails!!! but mostly because I like the mindfulness of application and it puts me into work mode…

Then we have THE BAG!!

This comes gigging with me for several reasons…

  • Contains stash of bottled water and Vocal Zone lozenges 🙂
  • It amuses me beyond measure when I arrive and people assume I’m carrying an instrument and say – Oh! You must be with the band!
  • I’ve never lost my keys but I get constant anxiety that I will lose my car keys and get stranded… so my case has a handy combination lock on it so I can pack away my valuables without fretting that things may go AWOL whilst I’m busy…
  • I’m a short arse and often for some strange reason, I get to places and they’ve set me up with a really high bar stool… so I can use my case as a handy stool to keep my feet on and steady my balance…

The Crystal Ball!

Though it’s not a crystal ball at all… it’s part of a sound and light machine… Again it has multiple uses…

  • It’s a good weight so useful to keep my table cloth pinned to the table… whether outside in a breeze or when you get one of those people who can’t stand up without dragging your cloth with them…
  • It fascinates small children and I pass it over and ask them to have a good look inside and tell me what they can see but not to tell me until I’ve finished talking to their Mum/Dad
  • I’m a complete air head for remembering whether or not people have paid me… I know I should decide an order to do things but some people pay before and some want to pay after, so now I pin the cash under the ball and avoid the awkward few moments of trying to recall whether or not I’ve been paid… Then as the person leaves the table the cash gets put away ready to start afresh…

And last but not least…

 OMG!!!

Lo Scarabeo! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!!!

THANK YOU!!!

Best free gift EVER!!!

An endless supply of free widgets to fix wonky table legs!!!

There is nothing that annoys and irks my Virgo more than a table that refuses to sit still…

Yay!!! Wonky be gone!! 🙂

Right! Mrs Sealey has left the building…

Go visit my (hopefully) more stable mates…

🙂

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Doing THE WORK…

Somewhere along the line many moons ago, I picked up a phrase that’s often given me a wry chortle…

You can’t polish a turd… but you can roll it in glitter…

But increasingly these days, it comes to mind when I  come across people who insist that they are ‘doing the work’…

I could quite easily go into a very lengthy and ranty ramble here about how damn right rude some people think they can be as long as they footnote their crap with – I’ve been doing THE WORK for over X years… I’m Self-aware!

But instead… I’ll distil it down…

If doing the work is turning you into a self-obsessed cockwomble…

You are not doing THE WORK…

You are a turd…

Self-basting in glitter…

Now do me a favour…


 

Hails of the Unexpected…

So… a week ago, I found myself returning to read at a venue that I’d been to two years prior… If you’d asked me two weeks ago, then I’d probably have cited this as being my favourite place that I’ve read in… If you ask me today, then I may laugh and say that it was the best of gigs and it was the worst of gigs…

Two years ago, I was busy but even so, the pace still felt gentle… This year, reading began to feel like some kind of extreme sport, though not one of those high adrenalin junky type jaunts… more like that strange activity where people jump out of an aeroplane and press their clothes on an ironing board as they head to the ground… I didn’t feel that I was going out of my comfort zone or pushing any real barriers, more that I was doing my everyday routine work in an odd environment… not that I really have much of a problem with that…

I was booked for 6 hours and under contract to hit a reading rate of 20 people an hour… within half an hour of arriving, the crowd was 10 deep and there was an acute awareness of time as every time I glanced up the crowd had gotten bigger and bigger… and there was a low-level rowdiness, which was not how I had remembered the place…Before it had been fast-paced but polite and somewhat genteel… Now it was somewhat fractious… There was an element of pushing and shoving and the occasional angry outburst as someone would try to cut the line… I heard a girl’s voice shout out – EXCUSE ME! There’s a queue don’t you know?! A while later the same voice – ER! HELLO!!! You need to go the back of the queue! People are waiting! Then even later, her voice soared above the noise of the crowd… I’M MENSTRUATING!!! Now is not a good time to push in front of me!!! I’m bleeding like a motherfucker!!!

The four hooray Henries in kilts plomped themselves in front of me regardless of the angry protests and seemed to be somewhere on the spectrum between indifference to the berating and being slightly pleased with themselves…

I said – boys… that’s not cool… people have been waiting and you just walked up to the front…

The dark haired one on the right, leaned back in his chair, folded his arms as smugness spread across his face and in a quite tone that suggested that he was someone who always got his own way, he said – well, we’re here now and we’re not moving… what are you going to do?

I smiled… clenched my teeth as I remembered that I was also under contract to be positive and polite… and I glanced at the crowd glowering behind him and I said… well I’m not being paid as a bouncer, so I’m going to whizz you through and get you out of here as quickly as possible, so buckle up because I read fast…

The guy sat opposite me, who looked like a poster boy for the Aryan Nation, piped up… Hey! Tell me my chums’s names… Use your telepathy! Show us what you do! Smug face chipped in again – yah… do your job!

I said ok my lovelies… let me educate you… First off… I’m not a mind reader, secondly … if you don’t know your chums’s names then you need more help than I can give you… Thirdly… my job? Ha! I’m the cleaner! I’m just filling in because the tarot reader was a no show…

Smug face leaned forwards… seriously yah? You’re the cleaner?

Yes, love… you walk past me every single day… do you not recognise me?

He leaned in further to examine my expression and I’m not blessed with a poker face… he let forth a ripple of laughter…ah! You’re dicking with me! He turned to his chums, waved a hand in my general direction as he declared – I like her! She’s terribly funny!

I said, yes, I’m hilarious and I’m on the clock so pull 3 cards now or leave… The four of them swooped into my deck and Blondie in front of me starts again… Hey! If you’re any good Miss Mind Reader – you can tell me what card I’m holding! And he holds one aloft in a challenge…

Ace of Pentacles honey bunny!

By Jesus?! It bloody well is!!! What? How? How? What? What? Errrrr???!!!

Now it’s my turn to smirk and this time I don’t give my game away and the tipsy fool is none the wiser that I’ve seen all three of his cards because he waved them around as he pulled them and I know those cards like the back of my hand and a quick flash and a glimpse of colour and I know what you’re holding… Silence descends on the table and I whizz these four yahoos through without another peep out of them… they sit and quietly nod… Ah! You guys are quiet? Nothing more to say? Smug face who has very much warmed to me by now says – yes… I have something to say… Thank you! You’ve just given me a lot to absorb…I’m hoping that I’ll remember it all…

You’re welcome! NEXT!

The crowd is much more settled now and things run in a run of the mill kind of way… until three guys come and sit down… I think to myself – ok… there’s something odd going off here, these are not faces that look as though they have come for a reading…

The guy to the right is quietly spoken… he tells me that he’s just started receiving messages from Jesus and asks if it’s ok for him to pass on the message that he has for me…

I scan the faces of the other two and they are both serene and look deadly earnest and I’m a little suspicious as I wonder if I’m being pranked… But I’m a curious creature, so I say – sure… give me what you’ve got… He tells me that he’s been stood in the queue for quite some time as he’s been told to come over and give me some energy as I give out a lot to others… A part of me thinks – oh! FFS! This sounds like the worst kind of cold reading medium… I can feel the skepticism seeping across my face… he carries on undeterred… it’s hard to catch all that he says as his voice is lost a little in the background babble… I look at the queue and wonder if I should just cut them short and shoo them off but I figure they’ve waited their turn and if they want to talk rather than listen then this is about as close to a break as I’m going to get tonight so let them talk… The guy in the middle asks to hold my hands… He places his in front of him supine and shoulder width apart, I place my hands palm upwards into his… Now he is also talking and it’s even harder to hear… Both of them chatter away and I catch the odd word every so often and they are bestowing me with blessings and healings… It’s an odd situation but by far not the oddest I’ve ever been in and I’m not entirely sure what their views and beliefs are…I’m fairly certain I don’t share them… I’m still wondering if I’m being pranked… The first guy who spoke suddenly becomes louder – You bring the gift of joy and laughter! I smile as it’s not the first time that I’ve had such an accusation thrown at me…

The guy to the left who had been silent up to this point, speaks up… excuse me… may I add something? The other two fall silent… They all look at me… I say – sure, why not… He says to me – I’ve been given a series of images and I don’t know what they mean but I’ve been told that you know… he rattles off descriptions that fill my mind’s eye with tarot card after tarot card and in my head a full reading has come into view… I stare at him… He stares back… You know what they mean?

Yes…I do… Why are you telling me this?

He said because it’s a validation for the work you do and you are under divine protection…

It’s a rare occasion in that for once, I’m lost for words… This was not what I expected him to say… I don’t know what I did expect him to say… Words came back to me…ok… that’s interesting… last time somebody went all Jesus on me they told me I was going to burn in hell and then they tried to bin all my things…

That’s too funny! he said and all four of us belly laughed, shook hands, did the nice to meet you pleasantries and with that they were off into the night…

Hmm… divinely protected… A couple of hours later and a girl knocks her prosecco all over my cards… there’s an explosion of expletives cascading through my head and somehow or another I manage to control and contain them… My mind flashes to the clause in my contract about staying below a certain decibel level… I’d thought it hilarious at the time of signing but now there was a very real danger that I could exceed the limit if I opened my mouth… Ah! Divine Protection my arse! Look at my chuffin’deck… it’s effin jeffin bolloxedly buggered! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!! BREATHE!!!! SMILE!!! BREATHE!!! Don’t be mean to the girl, she’s dying of embarrassment and it was just an accident… No… You’re ok my lovely, don’t worry about it… No harm done…

I gather my composure and bring the girl down to a relaxed level… Ok… let’s have a look at your cards…

I laugh a little and it builds and builds…

The crowd all gather and wonder what’s so funny…

I flip the cards for all to see… OK… The Fool and the Ace of Cups! Well! We hardly needed any cards to tell us that you can’t handle your drinks!!!

See turns a spectacular shade of scarlet and tries to bury her face under my cloth… seriously? is that what that means?

Well yes, on one level it does… I start to feel a little guilty that I’ve made her squirm… Ok… I’m joking with you! Pass me that third card and let me tell you what it really means…

I inwardly grimace at the sticky cards and have a heavy heart as I visualise tossing them all into the bin later… they’re old friends and have been on many travels… but as it happens, I think a tiny miracle occurred as they ended up drying out nicely and there’s been a couple of strategic dabs of glue put into place but to an eye that is none the wiser, you’d never know they’d had a near death experience… Hmmm… it’s almost like they were divinely protected… 😉